It’s hard to ignore. It’s always there. Lately, it seems to have taken on its own individual consciousness, become a self-aware, self-determined entity. Race. The idea that we are somehow inherently, and completely separated by the hue of our skin, our culture or religion. This soon led to the idea that we are genetically predisposed to a life with or without privilege, rights or dignity allotted to others of “normal” predisposition. Then came the belief that some are “human” while others are “less than human”. Even the term, “race” implies competition or a subsequent hierarchy inherent in the human species. Is the idea of “Race” a form of consciousness? Is it something that arose of itself or something that we breathed life into? Perhaps it is both. Perhaps it is a consciousness or an aberration thereof that we have allowed to flourish. In light of recent news events perhaps its prevalence is yet another alarm bell, an awakening siren, beckoning us to evolve a consciousness that has been stagnant for a millennia. What if the day comes when we finally realize that race is an idea that we created and in the grand scheme of things really does not exist? What if we finally realized that the only race is human, and that we have been killing ourselves all along? What if we developed true empathy, which extended beyond the idea of race, culture and religion? How would the world change?


For centuries, it seems, man has found one reason or another to annihilate himself. Land, money, power, fueled all sorts of horrors for the corporeal pursuits that lead to the elevation of self and ego. Later the pursuit of money became the virtue of the centuries. Empathy, however, could never be a part of this process. If you truly saw yourself in someone else, much like you see yourself in your child’s eyes, you could not destroy their way of life. One could not kill another’s child if they too had a child, right?. How could they? Well, I guess they could if their empathy bubble only extended to their child. If I were a sociopath my respect for life would only extend to my nose. You would be no more than a walking piece of meat, one that I mastered interacting with but could kill with no emotion. Sounds psychopathic? I guess it would depend on the extent of my empathy. What if my empathy extended past my nose to my family, kids, husband, but only that far? Is everyone else a piece of meat? Ok, then, how about extending it out to everyone that looks similar to me? That would mean I only valued another’s life if they looked similar in some way  to me. Is that psychopathic, or is it only psychopathic when it extends to just me? Are there degrees of crazy?


Maybe it’s not degrees of crazy but degrees of evolution. Maybe at one time in my evolution I was only able to extend my bubble to myself. Then later to my family. Then later to those that looked similar to me. But, what’s after that? Perhaps it would extend to those that are human. Then to all entities that are consciously, (no matter the degree), aware.  Then maybe go even further, to that which does not even resemble my idea of a life form, say the planet. How would the world look to one such as me? Would I be cool, with say, a zoo? Would oil spills concern me? Could I discern between a criminal and a bikini clad 15-year-old girl? Would I rush to shoot an unarmed teenager to death if first I saw myself in him? My child in him? Would I applaud the curing of a dog with Ebola while others were dying awaiting that cure? Would I allow Ebola to be a problem at all if I had the means to prevent it?  This lack of empathy appears to play a central role in most of the planets ills. This inability to connect, to see the connection to everything passed our noses is more than a psychosis; it’s an evolutionary stumbling block.


It seems to me that all the eco systems of the world survive by relying on their components cooperation.  Each member of that system works in harmony with the next.  It is only when something comes in and dominates the resources, hoarding them from the rest of the system, that the system suffers and dies. It’s as if the eco system is aware of its existence and the species within it are innately aware of their connection. When I look at the world today I see a lack of this connection, mostly on the side of the humans. I see a planet once teaming with species suddenly in the grips of an extinction.  I see a blatant disregard for our place in the ecosystem, or maybe an unrealized place.  I see an ever-present blindness to the lives of other people by people for no other reason than “those people” sit way outside of their empathy bubble.  I see an inability to discern, based in this blindness, that leads to the death of innocent children, unarmed men, and helpless homeless people.  I see a preponderance of fear generated by the inability to see ourselves in ourselves.  I see  spiritually un-evolved man.

Consciousness evolution, I believe, is mans next evolutionary step.  In order to achieve this, however, we must first realize that we are un-evolved, making us unaware of our unified consciousness.  Race, sex, and religion are all carefully manufactured labels, giving us the illusion of separateness.  We are each other, and  we are a part of a living entity;  the planet we occupy. It is easy to see that we have not evolved in this way for thousands of years and the planet and its inhabitants have suffered greatly because of it. Our technology is evolving much more rapidly.  Perhaps it was not diverted from its evolutionary path. Some say in the future our technology will become consciously aware. I wonder what that will be like. It’s already connected.




I admit, I’m no mathematical whiz kid, or even a scientific genius, but I do have the hobby (if you could call it that) of reading and studying the theories of quantum physics.  I guess my interest stems from my need to know the truth about the reality we live in, particularly since most of my life I have not quite looked at things the way I was taught to look at them.  I have always thought, for lack of a better phrase, “outside of the box”, as it were.  For example, many scientists have said that aliens visiting our planet was an impossibility due the vast distances and amount of fuel they would have to expend to get here.  Most people agreed, but I thought of it quite differently.  Why couldn’t they travel vast distances? Perhaps they know of a way to shorten the distance, or perhaps propulsion is not their means of travel.  Maybe fuel, at least the kind we use, is not even a consideration.  Maybe they glide on gravity much like our airplanes glide on air, carrying them the vast distances and allowing them to hover like magic over our planet’s surface.  I mean, look, we live on a gigantic orb hovering in an ocean of nothing!  That, by definition, makes anything  possible, right? To say that something isn’t possible because I cannot conceive of it is an insult to my very existence.  Quantum physics for that reason fascinates me, as it opens a door to possibilities and dimensions that are not readily seen ‘inside the box’.


One particular theory is my favorite.  It’s the one involving the two slit experiment.  Yeah, I know.  Countless scientists, metaphysicians and, spiritual gurus have pondered this enigma arguing over the validity of their inferences calling them ‘pseudoscience’ or ignored spiritual epiphanies.  I make no such inferences here.  I merely offer up a laymen’s possibility, which considering that everything seems to exist as possibility, makes it a quite possible-possibility.  I mean, if the sun just hangs in nothing, then nothing should be discounted as impossibility—right?

Anyway, in the two slit experiment scientist found that a particle of matter could act as both particle and wave.  How the particle behaved seemed dependent on one thing; a conscious observer.  It seems that the conscious observer collapsed the wave into a particle, causing it to behave as such.  When not observed it behaved as a wave.  This intrigued me, because I have ideas about reality myself that alludes to this finding.  I believe that everything is in vibration.  Whether we can interact with an object it or see it depends on whether or not we are vibrating at or about the same range of the object.  We can see smoke, we can interact with it, but rarely can we feel it. We can feel wind, but not see it. We can see the rapidly vibrating molecules of water in vapor,  we can also interact with it and feel it. The degree to which we can do these things depends on our own vibration, and whether or not it resonates with the vibration of the object.  We also have many dimensions that we can and cannot see or interact with.  Perhaps they too are grounded somehow in vibration. Some say that the varying dimensions hold varying possibilities; perhaps in one dimension I am this and in  another I am that, but I exist in all, as do all possibilities. We are therefore multidimensional. If all this is true perhaps in the two slit experiment we collapse the wave by our consciousness vibration.  Whatever level or range we are vibrating at is what we see; that which is vibrating within our range of discernment. All else are possibilities that exist in other dimensions or vibratory levels.  Thus, the observer would in fact collapse the wave in his or her vibrational range or dimension.  Look away and all possibilities are present as they always have been.


What does this mean to us as lay people?  To me it means our level of consciousness, which may correspond to the rate at which it vibrates, dictates what we see.  Look out at the world, what do you see?  You see where you are. Can you discern beauty, love, or do you see something else all together.  What of the ‘wave’ of vibration?  Scientists say they have been trying to connect quantum physics with the physics of the large in a kind of unifying theory,  but this is apparently difficult to do since physics and quantum physics work by different laws.  Perhaps not.  Perhaps consciousness is a wave.  Perhaps our group consciousness is a wave moving in one direction. On closer inspection we appear as individuals with individual choices varying in possibility. Step back and look from a higher perspective and we too act as a wave, contributing to the overall movement of the whole….consciousness.  Which one of us does the observer resonate with?

Cool food for thought.  For me, quantum physics encompasses a combination of both science and spirituality.  Maybe they were never meant to be separate.  I hope more thought goes into quantum physics, unbridled thought.  I hope they are bold in their discoveries, forgoing trends and prescribed patterns of thinking.  Outside of the box, though, can be lonely at times, but I feel there is no other way to see the true reality unless your willing to step out of this limited one. What if we could change what we see by changing our consciousness?  What if what we see right now is the result of our collective consciousness?  What if our collective consciousness was manipulated? Would we be forced to see what our manipulators wanted us to see?

And Down the rabbit hole I go…


The Wink

God the Father 01Who is God, or better yet, (and even more profound), ‘what’ is He?  The other day as I sat on my deck contemplating the meaning of the present moment, I thought about my first glimpse at ‘something’ that unbeknownst to me at the time, would be the starting point of my spiritual journey in later years.  I didn’t know it then but what I experienced was a ‘wink’, a hint of things to come, things that at that time I had not even begun to contemplate.  That one moment changed the way I viewed my existence, and over the years validated my latent awe at something, which prior to that seemed so trivial.  Why I received the ‘wink’ then I am not sure, but I remember it often when I find myself caught in the drudgery of a material based existence, and frustrated with my identification with it.

I was young.  Not that I am old now, but younger at that time.  My son was maybe 3 years old and I was living in a small 2 bedroom house with my mother in the city.  Our lives were hectic.  I worked ungodly shifts at the hospital while my mom tried to make a comfortable home for me and my son.  Money wasn’t a problem since our expenses were relatively low, but time was a commodity.  Mom sometimes worked as a substitute teacher and tutor for math so she kept a lot of math materials around the house.  One day she brought home this gigantic poster of numbers; the multiplication table, starting with 1 x1 and ending with 12 x12.  The numbers were a bright orange on a black background of tiny stars.  She hung it on the wall of our computer room, which was more like an unused hallway lined with book shelves, a tiny desk, and of course a computer.  At night when I couldn’t sleep, I would go into the tiny darkened room and web surf.


One night, I got up to do my usual surfing when the computer suddenly went down, (the blue screen of death they called it), so I turned it off to reboot.  Awaiting the reboot I swung around my chair and stared up at the wall behind me.  There, in the darkness stood the bright orange numbers of the table, appearing to hover in space.  As I looked at them, I noticed immediately the pattern that emerged. The numbers complemented each other in every direction; up, down, left, right, they seemed to add up and form a pattern no matter how I looked at them.  I forgot about the computer and stared at the table in awe of the patterns and how the numbers interacted so logically.  Now, I know I had seen this many times before, but this time I saw something different.  This time I saw intelligence.  My mind shifted.

You see, the numbers weren’t really what I was looking at.  It was the “that” behind them.  The numbers themselves were not ‘things’. Sure they could apply to things; cars, apples, oranges, but they themselves were not ‘things’.  Yet, they had a pattern, a direction, and a ‘formlessness’ that I had never seen before.  Though they applied to everything, they weren’t anything.  My body went numb. Wink!

I think of that moment often, and search for it even more.  I saw something, something real, yet not a ‘thing’ at all.  Something unimaginable for me at the time, but a little closer to me now.  The labels we apply to ‘It’ may be our way of relating to ‘It’, or pointing to ‘It’ from where we are. We even try to personify ‘It’, quantify ‘It’, and attribute things to ‘It’, but what ‘It’ is still eludes us.  All I know is that ‘It’, ‘God’, ‘Consciousness’ only points the way, never describes. You cannot name, describe, or quantify that which is not a thing, yet how then can we know ‘It’?  I guess we have to look closely, step outside this material box, and recognize the wink.  Trick is, you can’t always see it  just by looking with your eyes.  The formless you intuitively glimpse, then feel, like a breeze brushing your soul.


A Nod and a Wink

As Above, So Below…

Image detail of the Mandelbrot set.

Image detail of the Mandelbrot set. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I was on the phone the other day talking with a friend. We were discussing the pitfalls of our jobs, (we are both nurses), and how we would love to do something different, being thoroughly disillusioned over the years. My son overheard this conversation, and after I got off the phone with my friend, asked me why I became a nurse in the first place. I told him because I didn’t want to be a stock broker. Now, before I get any angry comments about the virtues of a stock broker, I just want to say that I am sure there are some virtuous stock brokers out there whose goal is to work for the common good. However, during the time when I was choosing my career, I felt that I wanted to do something that was innately ‘altruistic’ that helped people during a difficult time in their lives. Appearing as the Kings and Queens of materialism, I thought a stock broker’s goal was to make money at all cost, sacrificing ethics and morality for the bottom line. Seeing the many documentaries on the subject, I concluded that success at such a cost was not success at all, but an illusion propagated on greed and short shortsightedness. Nursing, on the other hand, would ensure that most if not all of my colleagues would be like minded, filled with the desire to express compassion to strangers, being free of that type of self-serving inhumanity. Needless to say, I was very naive.

Group of nurses, Base Hospital #45

I’ve worked as a nurse for many years, at large state of the art hospitals, and small community ones.  I have taken care of the rich, the poor, the old and the not too young, (babies are not my thing), the sick and the dying.  I’ve accumulated a variety of skills and met even more people, but one thing has stood out to me all these years regarding a profession I somehow deemed as virtuous: nurses are mean as hell to other nurses!  Now, that may not sound like an issue, but believe me it is.  There have even been task forces established to eliminate what they are calling ‘on the job bullying’ or ‘lateral violence’.  I have seen nurses leave the job crying.  I have seen what they refer to as ‘cliques’, who totally devalue a nurse’s worth.  I have seen nurses lose their jobs over vicious gossip and be maliciously ‘discredited’ to others because of jealousy or position.  How then can a profession whose cornerstone is compassion and altruism, who was founded by the likes of Florence Nightingale and Mother Theresa, be filled with such malice and unethical behavior?  The same reason fire fighters, postal workers, doctors, cashiers, waitresses, teachers, church officials, and ultimately, stock brokers are; the culture is unethical, not the professions.

Stock Market

We live in the society of ‘me’, a kind of malignant duality or separateness.  We would like to think that we are compassionate, but in reality our compassion is relative.  Our culture teaches us that in order to survive we must ‘one-up’ the next guy, discredit them, compete with them, be they a friend or unknown.  It becomes necessary that we ‘win’ at all cost reaping the benefits for all to see and admire.  How we do this is not important, though treachery is acceptable and often respected. This is success.   The other guy is of no consequence.  Material gain is the ultimate goal; the house, the car, the kid’s education, all of these being legitimate reasons to use unethical means to obtain what is wanted or needed.  Of course we don’t say it or even think it, but we do it with without hesitance.  This behavior has been modeled to us time and again, until we have adopted it.   If you look closely, things have been done this way on a larger scale for millennia.  People pushed out of their lands, their resources stolen, medical care denied, all for the profit of a group of individuals.  Big businesses doing what they want, despite the outcries of the people they are negatively affecting.  A country has something of value, we go in and take it, and then we use all manner of excuses as to why it was ‘a good thing’ as oppose to unethical and immoral.   We live in an unethical culture, one that has been so for some time.  We see it on a larger scale and cry out how bad it is, but we mimic it on our jobs, on the playground, in the grocery store.  That’s why, in a job built on compassion you see the characteristics of a culture whose goal is anything but.  Stockbroking isn’t an unethical job, no more than a gun can kill a person, but in the wrong hands even nursing can be dangerous.

New York City

It took me some 20 years and 5 hospitals to realize this.  I also realize what Jesus was trying to tell us when he said, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”  Makes sense to me now. Our hearts become as cold and presumably lifeless as the things we long to possess. The fear of not having or achieving the material stuff that brings no real joy, is temporary, and fragile, leads to unethical actions, the destruction of peoples, and ultimately the earth. Enlightenment, on the other hand, cannot be touched, and the whole world benefits, even the guy next to you. Man’s enlightenment is going to mean the breakdown and dissolution of a culture that perpetuates this malignant type of separateness and duality which breeds immoral and unethical behavior.  One has to look closely at one’s life to see the influences of this culture—very close.  Where does our inner allegiance lie?  Do we extol the aggressive jerk, or the spiritual passavist?  Do we get joy from watching someone fail, or do we try and help them?  Do we applaud someone’s success, or do we find ways to discredit what they did?  These things happen everywhere, regardless of profession. It is not unlike a cancer, affecting every aspect of the bodies functioning until death.  I have come to believe it is systemic, replicating itself from top to bottom not unlike the Mandelbrot Set. As above so below.

I don’t know how long I will be in nursing, but I think I will attempt to help people, on some level, for a lifetime. Perhaps I will find a profession which is not so influenced by the culture, perhaps not. It does help that I am at least aware of what I am dealing with, as awareness acutely changes your perspective. Once you are aware you cannot take offence with the sleeping cultural giant. After all, that’s ultimately what it is—-asleep.

“There’s only one of us here…”


The central endpoint of the "seahorse tai...


The Light at the End of the Tunnel

A light at the end of the tunnel, September 2012

A light at the end of the tunnel, September 2012 (Photo credit: DaveOnFlickr)

When I graduated college I found my first job working for an insurance company.  I guess I was excited.  The pay was nominal even for those days, but it was a job, something I was taught was necessary for my survival and ultimately my independence.   Many people worked in the same nominally paid position with homes, cars, and families.  I remember thinking that it would be a bit precarious of me to get an apartment and a car based on my ability to maintain this job and the favor of my boss.  After all, to do this would leave my modest lifestyle and me vulnerable to the whim of my superiors.  My mother of course was excited and encouraged me to buy a car with my new found providence, and to save up for an apartment of my own.  The goal, you see, was for me to someday own my own home and find a good life for myself.  I understood her, but I did not understand.  How can one live a free, independent life at the whim of another?  Hard work wasn’t the only thing that kept a job, even in those days.   Be that as it may, I obtained an apartment and a car and went to work every day.

Years have passed since that first real job, yet still the idea of freedom eludes me.  I often wonder if this system of survival is what was meant for us on this planet.   I see daily how many suffer because they cannot find someone to work for, or they cannot find a suitable place to live even if they did.  I watch as people struggle to feed their families on meager salaries and fight amongst their coworkers who also feel the pressure of survival.  Even on jobs where the pay is good, people scratch and claw their way to a better salary or perceived way of life at the expense of others.  This is viewed as achievement, but many times it results in the momentary achievement of one to the detriment of another.

The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

Means is over looked, with the end being the primary judgment of our efforts.  Unethical behavior is lauded as genius and cunning as a value.  This negative way of being is inherent in a system which rewards only that which is most often obtained through scheming and manipulation.   It is understood that nothing is free, and in order to obtain anything one has to place the self above all else. “Be number one” is the mantra of a system that depends on ones lack of meaningful connection to others.   Without this connection we are free to pursue all things without regard for another and even at their expense.  Ultimately, however, our efforts are never fully rewarded, as the end result always leaves us even more dependent on the whim of others.

Why then do we persist in a system designed to keep us enslaved to ideals?  Why do we insist on placing ourselves in debt for half our lifetimes, losing our passion for our jobs, and turning them into a means to a 30 year end?  Why do we allow some to go without a home on a planet that is made of land?  Why do children go thirsty on a planet whose mountains spew fresh water, and rain falls freely from the sky?  Why are families hungry on a planet that sprouts food from its soil?  Why did we create a system that bars the magnificent landscapes and beautiful vistas of this planet from the majority of its inhabitants?  And most importantly– and probably the most impossible for many of us to even consider— why is the system of money even necessary, when starvation and poor health is the result of poverty rather than a lack of resources?  (Try explaining money to a visitor of our planet!)

My mother didn’t realize it, but I did those early years after college.  Working for another and being in debt to another for the rest of your life, is not independence.  It’s just another form, though apparently a more palatable form, of slavery.  This kind of slavery, however, is much more difficult to eradicate.  The chains have us firmly tethered to our ideas of success, lifestyle, and illusory self, thus we refuse to see them.  They have literally become a part of us, so much so, that we cannot imagine any other way of living.


As I drive the highway on the way to work and catch glimpses of the true reality, I realize that the planet was created for us to experience it.  Relegating ourselves to such a limited existence based on indoctrinated ideas that severely constrict our experience and growth, also stagnates our spiritual evolution by virtue of its nature.  The system cannot survive in the light, and as light beings at our core, we too cannot survive.  What of the light at the end of the tunnel that we so often pray for?   It has to be us.

“Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds…”

Bob Marley


Light at the end of the tunnel

Unattachment vs Love


I‘ve read much on attachments and how they are the essential root of suffering.  Though, I intellectualized the meaning of this concept, again one must experience it in order to fully appreciate it.  The usual culprits of material possessions, appearance, position, I thought I understood.  But what of relationships, hopes and dreams?  This, though I accepted as attachment, I could not fully conceive.   I mean after all, how can one not be attached to such things as a child, a lover, or even ones lifelong vocation?  I found, (quite painfully, as mirrors usually are), that it was not only ones attachment to such things that will inevitably cause suffering, but the value placed on them in relation to ones presumed identity, particularly at the threat of their loss.  Therein lies the pain and suffering spoken about.  Suffering not only inflicted on the self, but on others as well.  The trick is observing its subtlety.


It’s difficult not to take pride in ones profession. Years and years of practice and experience finally culminating in the extensive knowledge and respect that you feel you have earned. Of course this identity that you have procured is not your true self. Who you have become is never who you are. Even so, if this self is threatened,– say by one more advanced, sharper, or just ‘new’,– what would you do to protect the self you have procured? I have seen many go far; spreading rumors, dropping innuendo, even discouraging others in the pursuit of their illusory self. The damage caused can be witnessed in the toxic work environment, where all denigrate the other for no other reason than to prevent the relinquishment of their idea of self.  All Suffer.

A lover grips one in a whirlwind of possibility for the illusory self. They tell us of our worth and meaning, who we are as a man or woman, the magic we have on the emotions of another. We fall deeply into this state of being, breathing in fully the pleasures of being the focus of someone’s life and emotion. We quickly self identify. Attachment— for the self. Then, as if moved by the wind, your paths diverge. Their interests change or they move on to pursue another “life lesson”. How far would you go to prevent this pursuit, or deny this disinterest to maintain the illusory self? Again, many have gone far. And even after their efforts were to no avail, they remain trapped by the loss of the illusory self they created. Suffering.

"The mother"

A mother will be forever possessed by her child, and rightly so. Can it be possible to experience suffering on a subtle level by something so innate and selfless as the love of a mother and child? Only if we attach for the self– the identity that we expect to be fulfilled. I have suffered this in the form of guilt, blame, feelings of inadequacy. All illusory. All Suffering.

What then can we do? Maybe, instead of trying to find out who we can become or should be, we should look instead for who we already are. We are what is necessary. We are what is sublime. We are that which we search for, not our jobs, our possessions, or our relationships. Our situations are our lessons, but they are not us. Every now and then, as a Fledgling Mystic, I detach, releasing all of it just to observe. The situations quickly fade away, obliterated by the beauty, complexity and wonder that embodies each unique expression of a supreme consciousness, and I know that all of it, every moving, breathing piece of it, is me.
Un-attachment is not being without love. It is love at its most sublime.


metaphysical supplement...

A Fledglings Glimpse


On the way to work one morning I caught a glimpse.  Not sustained, however just a glimpse, but one that showed me the wonders of a world free of mental labels.   I had been reading one of my favorite books a few nights before on enlightenment, and what the experience is like for those who awaken to the true reality.  Although I would like to profess my full enlightenment to the world, in truth this sustained state of awareness eludes me.  However, at times I do get glimpses, visions of the true reality that surrounds us every day, even on the drive to work.

As usual my mind was occupied, telling me of the coming traps and delusions of the day, all of which raised my level of anxiety and caused me to plan my responses to events that, for all intents and purposes, did not exist.  I began to realize this as my mind fell deeper and deeper into its self-made future causing me to feel, at the pit of my stomach, a loathing built from nothing.  I halted my thoughts and turned my attention to the lingering emotion that vibrated deep within my being, feeling it too dissolve under the glare of my observation.  Then suddenly I found myself actually looking out of the windshield in front of me.  There I saw it.

Without labeling anything,  I looked out upon a world chucked full of form and lights and motion.  My breath caught in my chest as I marveled at the complexity of this relatively tiny space of existence created from the one consciousness that permeated it all.  The individual moving objects that passed me in the opposite direction powered by individual entities with depth and history.  The growths that sprung up from either side of the long slick path I traveled.  The rushing sound that accompanied my movement through space.  The darkness pierced by tiny beams of red and white in front and behind me.  All seemed a miracle in that moment.  A miracle born of an infinite consciousness that in one instant burst forth all of this unfathomable depth and dimension.  I wanted to hold the feeling of newness for a time longer.  Without actually thinking I turned on the music.  What rushed forth into a space that held so much already was the voice of an individuated entity, creating a mesmerizing sound evoking its experience in as unique a way as it was itself.  The melody floated through my space telling of the entities emotion and experience.  A deep chuckle rose in my being as I realized that in truth this entity was as well myself, as were the lights, the trees and the passing cars.  As the labels returned so did my sleep.

greetings fellow gaseous entity

greetings fellow gaseous entity (Photo credit: mattguest)

I rounded my car into the parking lot of my job, turned off the engine and sat in silence.  What an immensely complex tapestry of sights, sounds and form this world is.  To glimpse it is to be free of the distraction that clouds our vision of it.  To sit in awe, if only for a moment engages the soul and offers us a ring side view of our own creation which defines us as more than what we experience or create.  I’m reminded of a quote from “Monty Pythons, The Meaning Of Life”; “Matter is energy. In the universe there are many energy fields which we cannot normally perceive. Some energies have a spiritual source which act upon a person’s soul. However, this “soul” does not exist ab initio as orthodox Christianity teaches; it has to be brought into existence by a process of guided self-observation. However, this is rarely achieved owing to man’s unique ability to be distracted from spiritual matters by everyday trivia.”

As I walked into the large brick building navigating through the sliding door which somehow sensed my presence, I  wondered if I had in fact brought into existence all of that which I observed, even my true self; the observer.  After all, in order to experience ourselves we had to become many.  My anxiety was for naught.  The glimpse sustained me for the remainder of the day.  Perhaps one day I will sustain it. Anyway, it was only a glimpse. Tiny, yet infinite.


Dark Tree Outline

The Fledgling Mystic

Prayer flags on Renjo La

Prayer flags on Renjo La (Photo credit: Oliphant)

Welcome to my blog.   This is my first attempt at blogging which I meet with excitement and a bit of anticipation.   I have much to share regarding my experiences as a fledgling mystic and welcome any experiences or comments that will be of benefit to all who are on similar journeys.   I say “fledgling” because much of this is new and exciting to me, therefore I face it with the wide-eyed wonder of a toddler.   I am in no way an expert guru or a spiritual marvel.  I am simply a resident of this planet in search of what is real.   Again I welcome you.

I suppose my journey began as a young Christian.   I was baptized at an early age and began to follow as much as I could -or was willing- the teachings of that faith.   I did all the physical work required;   attending church, communing with a congregation, praying and reading scripture, and found that I had an affinity for the spiritual.   Christianity taught me a great many things and gave me the validity and structure I needed to feel identified with my faith.    I studied the bible, drawing on my own limited understanding while thoroughly mixing it with what I’d been taught.  I felt I was well on my way to salvation, though at times salvation seemed a thing to be achieved through unwavering faith and action, which I failed at on occasion.  Albeit, I prayed regularly and felt I had a “relationship” with the God so fervently preached about.  I went on throughout my life occasionally using what I learned in my interaction with others, and praying for help when things took a wrong turn. Deep within me, however, I felt something was missing.  Something important that perhaps I did not fully understand. Something that addressed not only my times of perceived blessing but also of life’s tragedies. The millions of people killed and maimed in war; the abuse of innocents, the bad things that happened to seemingly good people, all of these things had to have a plausible explanation, rather than the canned response of “…He works in mysterious ways”.  I knew that The God I believed in did not create these things.  Were these people somehow not blessed?  Why could I not know His ways?   And more importantly, why after millions of baptisms and supposedly changed lives, had nothing changed?  I knew, of course, that I would never know these great mysteries, as I was taught and believed that my understanding was neither required nor necessary.  The mystery of God was “beyond my understanding”.  I resigned to be content in that belief until on one afternoon I found I was no longer among the blessed.

Late that rainy evening something tragic occurred;  I lost someone most dear to my heart after a long year of illness and suffering.  I had never lost anyone so dear to me before.  I was in utter shock.  As taught, I prayed.  I prayed for the soul lost to me, and for myself.  I read from the bible and listened to the well-meaning, comforting words of friends.  I thanked God for being with me, then fell into a year long depression.  It was at that time I began to question, not my belief in God, but who I believed He was.  After all, He had watched my loved ones suffering.  He witnessed their death and my despair.  He  stood by as I sunk into deep depression.  When asked why this was the case, many parishioners turned their gaze upon me.  It was I who had failed myself.  I who had lost my faith.  I was to blame, not God.  What they failed to realize is that I did not blame God for any of it; I blamed my lack of understanding Him.  I no longer believed that I should be content with the mystery.  I felt it was time I found it.


I realized my belief in a God was not simply founded on what I was told or had chosen. My belief came from what I witnessed, what I actually experienced being alive on this planet. The life that existed within me, that made me a living breathing entity with an awareness apart from that which surrounded it.  The life that permeates even the tiniest atom enabling it to move to and fro, and in some cases in and out of existence. The human heart that beats continuously, sometimes for up to 100 years without batteries or attachment to some visible energy source.  All are clues along with a million other things we take for granted.  In this, I experienced the work of an aware consciousness that permeated everything, even the carton of milk in my fridge.  I’ve always felt this, but who or what it was eluded me, as it has many of us on this planet.  Strange, since all on this planet are comprised of the same mystery stuff as everything else.  How then can we not know?  Therein lies the rub.

English: Albert Einstein Français : Portrait d...

English: Albert Einstein Français : Portrait d’Albert Einstein (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Off on my search I went, looking high and low for that which was in that.  I looked first to science. I found that much of science was based on a kind of “mechanical theory”, reducing everything to structure and function, until I came across quantum physics. There I found what Einstein called the “spooky actions” of matter at the quantum level, producing such baffling findings as the two slit experiment which lead to the quantum enigma.  I studied and looked at the Fibonacci sequence that produced the seemingly random patterns of life. The Mandelbrot set that gave us a glimpse into natures unfathomable depth of design, to name a few.  I began looking at the works of the many religions, the teachings and beliefs that all pointed to ‘love thy neighbor’ as a cornerstone of existence.  I looked deeply into the intricacies of Buddhism, and Hinduism.  The belief of the Vedanta Society intrigued me, as well as, some of Darwin’s lesser known discoveries about interconnectedness, love and cooperation.  I read books by Deepak Chopra, Ekhart Tolle, (one of my favorites), then finally back to the bible, particularly Jesus’s teachings.  I’ve read and read and listened and talked and still I have only scraped the surface.  It appears, though, that meditation– going deep within– yields the greatest results.  I have come to feel that who God is, who He really is, may be closer than I imagined.

At this point in my search I have found many things, but the one thing that stands out most is a fact that I now fully realize…..there is only one of us here!  Although there are a million different expressions, there is only The One present. “…for to experience ourselves we had to become many”.  It did take me a minute to realize that duality wasn’t a mistake, what with all the hatred and heinous acts committed because of this perfect illusion.  The acts I found were not the result of the illusion, but the result of our attachment to it.  Once we awaken and realize who we are, we will truly love our neighbor as ourselves and this madness will end.  After all, our neighbor is ourselves, and as you well know, suicide is madness.

As for death, I found it also to be an illusion, or more likely a delusion.  We cannot die, and if we listen closely to Jesus, how we appear to die is of no consequence.  Suffering proves to be purely subjective.  According to Buddha, we can be free of that as well.  This is not based on a blind belief, but a practiced, researched fact.

Why hasn’t the world changed?  Perhaps we don’t know who we are yet.  We have not awakened.  Enlightenment -total awareness of the real- changes you inside and out, for you see and experience a different reality, the REAL one.  There is no backsliding from that.  You are literally “born again” into a world that always existed, but one you knew nothing about.  As Jesus said “the kingdom of heaven is within you”.  If our perception of reality changes, and as a result we see who we really are, and where we really are, then heaven on earth is a given. It becomes necessary that we make this evolutionary shift spiritually in order for us to survive.

What of God?  Just like He said, “Look under a rock, I am there.  Split open a log and you will find Me” Not a riddle.  The truth in all its glory.  He is indeed everywhere or more precisely,  He IS everywhere.  That, I believe, is what He was trying to tell us.  All is alive. All is that which you seek.  I/you are living breathing proof of it, as are all of us/me that are/is here.

Like I said before, I’m just a fledgling.  Wide-eyed, brand new and exited!



Joy (Photo credit: Karthick R)