The Fledgling Mystic

Prayer flags on Renjo La

Prayer flags on Renjo La (Photo credit: Oliphant)

Welcome to my blog.   This is my first attempt at blogging which I meet with excitement and a bit of anticipation.   I have much to share regarding my experiences as a fledgling mystic and welcome any experiences or comments that will be of benefit to all who are on similar journeys.   I say “fledgling” because much of this is new and exciting to me, therefore I face it with the wide-eyed wonder of a toddler.   I am in no way an expert guru or a spiritual marvel.  I am simply a resident of this planet in search of what is real.   Again I welcome you.

I suppose my journey began as a young Christian.   I was baptized at an early age and began to follow as much as I could -or was willing- the teachings of that faith.   I did all the physical work required;   attending church, communing with a congregation, praying and reading scripture, and found that I had an affinity for the spiritual.   Christianity taught me a great many things and gave me the validity and structure I needed to feel identified with my faith.    I studied the bible, drawing on my own limited understanding while thoroughly mixing it with what I’d been taught.  I felt I was well on my way to salvation, though at times salvation seemed a thing to be achieved through unwavering faith and action, which I failed at on occasion.  Albeit, I prayed regularly and felt I had a “relationship” with the God so fervently preached about.  I went on throughout my life occasionally using what I learned in my interaction with others, and praying for help when things took a wrong turn. Deep within me, however, I felt something was missing.  Something important that perhaps I did not fully understand. Something that addressed not only my times of perceived blessing but also of life’s tragedies. The millions of people killed and maimed in war; the abuse of innocents, the bad things that happened to seemingly good people, all of these things had to have a plausible explanation, rather than the canned response of “…He works in mysterious ways”.  I knew that The God I believed in did not create these things.  Were these people somehow not blessed?  Why could I not know His ways?   And more importantly, why after millions of baptisms and supposedly changed lives, had nothing changed?  I knew, of course, that I would never know these great mysteries, as I was taught and believed that my understanding was neither required nor necessary.  The mystery of God was “beyond my understanding”.  I resigned to be content in that belief until on one afternoon I found I was no longer among the blessed.

Late that rainy evening something tragic occurred;  I lost someone most dear to my heart after a long year of illness and suffering.  I had never lost anyone so dear to me before.  I was in utter shock.  As taught, I prayed.  I prayed for the soul lost to me, and for myself.  I read from the bible and listened to the well-meaning, comforting words of friends.  I thanked God for being with me, then fell into a year long depression.  It was at that time I began to question, not my belief in God, but who I believed He was.  After all, He had watched my loved ones suffering.  He witnessed their death and my despair.  He  stood by as I sunk into deep depression.  When asked why this was the case, many parishioners turned their gaze upon me.  It was I who had failed myself.  I who had lost my faith.  I was to blame, not God.  What they failed to realize is that I did not blame God for any of it; I blamed my lack of understanding Him.  I no longer believed that I should be content with the mystery.  I felt it was time I found it.


I realized my belief in a God was not simply founded on what I was told or had chosen. My belief came from what I witnessed, what I actually experienced being alive on this planet. The life that existed within me, that made me a living breathing entity with an awareness apart from that which surrounded it.  The life that permeates even the tiniest atom enabling it to move to and fro, and in some cases in and out of existence. The human heart that beats continuously, sometimes for up to 100 years without batteries or attachment to some visible energy source.  All are clues along with a million other things we take for granted.  In this, I experienced the work of an aware consciousness that permeated everything, even the carton of milk in my fridge.  I’ve always felt this, but who or what it was eluded me, as it has many of us on this planet.  Strange, since all on this planet are comprised of the same mystery stuff as everything else.  How then can we not know?  Therein lies the rub.

English: Albert Einstein Français : Portrait d...

English: Albert Einstein Français : Portrait d’Albert Einstein (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Off on my search I went, looking high and low for that which was in that.  I looked first to science. I found that much of science was based on a kind of “mechanical theory”, reducing everything to structure and function, until I came across quantum physics. There I found what Einstein called the “spooky actions” of matter at the quantum level, producing such baffling findings as the two slit experiment which lead to the quantum enigma.  I studied and looked at the Fibonacci sequence that produced the seemingly random patterns of life. The Mandelbrot set that gave us a glimpse into natures unfathomable depth of design, to name a few.  I began looking at the works of the many religions, the teachings and beliefs that all pointed to ‘love thy neighbor’ as a cornerstone of existence.  I looked deeply into the intricacies of Buddhism, and Hinduism.  The belief of the Vedanta Society intrigued me, as well as, some of Darwin’s lesser known discoveries about interconnectedness, love and cooperation.  I read books by Deepak Chopra, Ekhart Tolle, (one of my favorites), then finally back to the bible, particularly Jesus’s teachings.  I’ve read and read and listened and talked and still I have only scraped the surface.  It appears, though, that meditation– going deep within– yields the greatest results.  I have come to feel that who God is, who He really is, may be closer than I imagined.

At this point in my search I have found many things, but the one thing that stands out most is a fact that I now fully realize…..there is only one of us here!  Although there are a million different expressions, there is only The One present. “…for to experience ourselves we had to become many”.  It did take me a minute to realize that duality wasn’t a mistake, what with all the hatred and heinous acts committed because of this perfect illusion.  The acts I found were not the result of the illusion, but the result of our attachment to it.  Once we awaken and realize who we are, we will truly love our neighbor as ourselves and this madness will end.  After all, our neighbor is ourselves, and as you well know, suicide is madness.

As for death, I found it also to be an illusion, or more likely a delusion.  We cannot die, and if we listen closely to Jesus, how we appear to die is of no consequence.  Suffering proves to be purely subjective.  According to Buddha, we can be free of that as well.  This is not based on a blind belief, but a practiced, researched fact.

Why hasn’t the world changed?  Perhaps we don’t know who we are yet.  We have not awakened.  Enlightenment -total awareness of the real- changes you inside and out, for you see and experience a different reality, the REAL one.  There is no backsliding from that.  You are literally “born again” into a world that always existed, but one you knew nothing about.  As Jesus said “the kingdom of heaven is within you”.  If our perception of reality changes, and as a result we see who we really are, and where we really are, then heaven on earth is a given. It becomes necessary that we make this evolutionary shift spiritually in order for us to survive.

What of God?  Just like He said, “Look under a rock, I am there.  Split open a log and you will find Me” Not a riddle.  The truth in all its glory.  He is indeed everywhere or more precisely,  He IS everywhere.  That, I believe, is what He was trying to tell us.  All is alive. All is that which you seek.  I/you are living breathing proof of it, as are all of us/me that are/is here.

Like I said before, I’m just a fledgling.  Wide-eyed, brand new and exited!



Joy (Photo credit: Karthick R)


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